Tell us how to ‘retire’ Goldstein, get Film Festival tickets
All good things must come to an end (except for honey, which doesn’t have an expiration date) and the axe is currently hanging ominously over Ira Goldstein, the New York banker who, since 2000, has been the endearingly stupid face of ASB bank.
The big account recently shifted from TBWA\to Droga5 and with the shift of agencies is the expectation that Goldstein, who is played by American actor Stephen Mellor and has featured in over 60 TVCs, is likely to be put out to stud.
TBWA’s chief executive Dave Walden thinks plenty of Kiwis will miss his pratfalls, dubious humour and incompetence when he finally departs. He’s certainly been a loyal, bumbling servant and Walden says Goldstein has succeeded in the rather difficult task of bringing “warmth and likeability” to a banking brand.
So how will he depart? Will there be a horrible bungee jumping accident off the Sky Tower? Will P addicted street urchins pounce on him after he uses an ASB cash machine without properly covering his pin number? Will the XT network cut out in the middle of an important call to the boss? Will he be implicated in a Ponzi scheme and charged with bringing down the world’s financial system? Will he be deported for being too attractive (like this New York banker)? Will the gold ASB robot return for vengeance? Or will he shack up with Shania Twain and live happily at her luxurious Wanaka estate?
Autour de Minuit, Tyger
Animation Now, The Bellies
We think he deserves a good send off, so add your suggestion for a fitting finale to the comment wall and the best efforts will win some Film Festival tickets. We’ve got three double passes to the Auckland showings of Autour De Minuit (either 20 July at 2.15pm or 24 July at 3.15pm at Skycity) and three double passes to Animation Now (either 17 July at 1.45pm or 18 July at 11.30am at Skycity). And if you don’t win, you should still go, even if it’s just to catch a glimpse of the work of the talented French folks behind the Oscar-winning short film Logorama.
Anthony
July 5, 2010
I think he should be beaten to death (with his own Julius Marlows) by a gang of unemployed Icelandic people.
wendy
July 5, 2010
I believe he will finally realize that New zealand is where he needs to be as he meets a truly kiwi lass and retires from banking to run the family farm with her farm in Matamata , of course that has banked for years with ASB ( whilst still keeping his bagel empire on the side – for the grandchildren in the future ( thus covering all sectors of banking , retail, farming and business and family – all in one tidy package ):o)
Craig
July 5, 2010
Have him fired by the boss then calmly don some camo gear before going out in a blaze of glory. All along the watch tower can blare all the way through it.
Do this and you will win at life.
Marvin
July 5, 2010
Investigated by the SFO and then charged with insider trading , he jumps bail and skips the country in a stolen water taxi.
Colin
July 5, 2010
He should be called back to the US by his boss and then blub on camera as he passes through Auckland airport for the last time.
anonymous
July 5, 2010
He should be redeployed to investigate a certain bank in Barbados to discover what made that banker really special…
robd
July 5, 2010
He should be deported as an overstayer!
Fran
July 6, 2010
Have him finally tell his boss EXACTLY what he thinks of him! Of course, this will get him fired, but would bring so much pleasure to a lot of people who would love to have the courage to do just that! Then, perhaps, we could see a much happier Ira with a job as a dog-walker, with one of his charges walking up to the boss and lifting his leg.
Blackdog
July 6, 2010
I think it's obvious, he is called back finally to New York but he can still keep in touch and administer his accounts and businesses online, job done.
Bobbie
July 6, 2010
Have the boss die in a mysterious accident and leave all his asset for Goldstein.
Anthony
July 6, 2010
Alan Hubbard could hire him to document all the handshake loans he has given out over the years.
Popscorn
July 6, 2010
Scene One: grumpy old boss cannot reach Goldstein. Displays obvious displeasure.
Scene Two: Fade to grumpy old bosses office where Goldstein is seen sneaking in.
Scene Three: Goldstein 'comedically' is fumbling around trying to undo his trousers as if in a hurry.
Scene Four: Goldstein Exits building in 'comedic' disguise.
Scene Five: Grumpy old boss walks through wider office. Other staff aware that something has happened from whispering motions etc.
Scene six: Grumpy old boss delicately removes note from steaming turd on his keyboard.
Closing scene: Goldstein with his feet up outside a bach in Whakatane.
JJ
July 6, 2010
Front page NZH: Goldstein's Bagel Bust "the face and personality of ASB is rumoured to be involved in a marijuana smuggling operation. Ira Goldstein was not available for comment but a neighbour confirmed that police and drug dogs converged on Mr Goldsteins property yesterday morning at 2am and confiscated freshly baked bagels as evidence. The neighbour believes Mr Goldstein's bagel business was a "joint" venture with a former employer of ASB based out of New York. The ASB would not comment and it is understood that Mr Goldstein has been stood down pending further enquiries"
Cohen Glass
July 6, 2010
He falls in love with an ASB teller girl who has invited him out to talk about the mortage on the family farm. His mouth drops open at the scenery, realizes his is in love, grabs the girl as he drops the phone with his boss yelling at him….fade out.
Kiwigixxer
July 6, 2010
Robbie the robot and Ira are matted into the video for 'We are not men, we are Devo', as a homage to TBWA's efforts over the years.
McRad
July 6, 2010
Done:
http://weeklycoitus.co.nz/?p=517
Flick
July 6, 2010
His rich Great Uncle dies in the US and he inherits the major shareholding in the bank and becomes the Boss' boss…….how else could he survived so long?
stewart
July 7, 2010
He misses the humour, sincerity and depth of advertising so much that he gets himself hired as Labour Party spokesman on finance.
pia
July 7, 2010
He should meet a nice girl from Invercargill, leave the banking business and start a stud farm in Gore.
Jess McKenzie
July 8, 2010
I think goldstein should be fired for real and then when that happens Gold should walk out of the office and for a laugh http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEEzbFxEbB8 should play with him on a magic carpet sailing into the sunset.
Peter M
July 8, 2010
Goldstein has impressed the powers that be so much that he gets his bosses' job and is flown back to the US, meanwhile his boss is retired off. Goldstein is sitting at a big desk looking as proud as punch giving dictation to his secretary, a cheesy NZ landscape picture on the wall. The closing scene is of his disgruntled boss sitting on a greyhound bus senior cit's bus trip. A 'mutton dressed up as lamb' old girl with a big 'Les Patterson' style yellow toothy grin sitting next to him looks at him and says "Would you like to take care of my
assets ? " The boss looks into the camera and says "Goldstein !"
Miri
July 9, 2010
He'll be jailed for the Bain murders – despite the fact he wasn't even in the country at the time .. . .
Chris
July 9, 2010
The old guy will pass on, Goldstein is promoted to take his place in New York. A long emotional autumn funera.
At his new NY office, sitting in his old bosses chair, Goldtein looks across his desk at the NZ photos, of times passed. A knock on the office door, and in walks a very young Goldstein' looking kid "you ask for me sir" Golstein smiles "I've got a job for you, in a country I dearly love…." and sends the boy off…( Fade out)
Graham
July 9, 2010
Operation Ira Lubrication
"Goldstein – get your arse back here. As BP's bankers we need some of that bullshit you've been spinning to sprinkle into the Gulf. Them Kawees been soaking it up for years – maybe it'll work on the oil slick too"
Chris
July 9, 2010
Goldstein's mother (an old yiddish woman) arrives in NZ. She grabs Goldstein by his ears, screaming .."Ira, your fadda sez you work in the Watch Shop now, no more ASB, no more KEwee, .., you come home, marry Maria and be a good boy……"
Jon
July 9, 2010
Goldstein stumbles on information confirming that ASB is actually an Australian bank in disguise. He is torn between his loyalty to free market ideology and his admiring New Zealand public. Eventually he seeks advice from Rodney Hyde who reassures him to go home and not to worry as he has plans afoot to put an end to such worries. He is thinking of calling it Superbank.
Glen
July 12, 2010
There's a point in David Lynch's 'Mulholland Drive' (after the lesbian sex scene) when the plot starts to go wonky in a typically Lynchian manner. So after many years of apparent normality it's time for the ASB campaign to take the same trajectory – Ira, wearing only a sheep's head on his knob, wrestles a half-naked Waldo (which half is up to the censors), who has a crumpled yellow tinfoil crown on his head, in a rubbish bin filled with cream cheese. Cut to a rabbit applying lipstick to a Polish immigrant. Rabbit violently throws the lipstick which, as it flies towards the fighting couple, grows into an enormous missile – both wrestlers are covered in a crimson lipstick goo and Ira's face splits open to reveal he was actually a small bunch of parsley.
DP
July 13, 2010
ASB changes agencies…no one, no one in agency world would think of stirring another agency's custard.
Jim
July 13, 2010
Following an anonymous tip the Serious Fraud Office launches an investigation into allegations that Goldstein enhanced his CV in order to land his TV ad role. At the completion of the investigation it's revealed that Ira's name is actually Silverstein so TBWA seize the opportunity to pitch him to a slightly more downmarket banking brand. Six months later Ira stars in the new TVC for TSB as a wader-clad CEO/fisherman speaking with a distinctly foreign accent extolling the virtues of the Kiwi penchant to forgive and forget. Ira's rehabilitation and rebirth is complete.
Simon
July 13, 2010
If it were me, I would have the american CEO standing on the curb looking up at the building he used to work in pondering how he managed to loose his empire to the tides of the changing times. This of course is why Goldstein was sent to NZ in the first place. This would be when Goldstein pulls up to the curb in the stretch limo and Goldstein steps out of the limo and says I'm home and my bagel company is bigger than ever thanks to ASB's understanding of people and banking i now have a global bagel empire. Goldstein then says to the CEO, Do you need a job…
StampTramp
July 14, 2010
kill him!
Jesica
July 14, 2010
He should finally get the promotion and recognition from his boss that he deserves, get a fantastic office with a view in Auckland, and marry one of the cute teller ladies from ASB, happy endings for all =)
Lynam
July 15, 2010
Option 1: Becomes fully Kiwi and appears regularly on 'Outrageous Fortune'. (Target audience: Modern Kiwis in touch with their roots/friends with actual Bogans)
Option 2: Eaten by a shark at Kelly Tarltons. (Target audience: Tarantino fans)
Option 2: Fronts new buzzband doing John Rowles covers. Promoted through MySpace. (Target audience: Gen-Y-Silver Surfer-Ironic Hipster crossover)
TRM
July 15, 2010
Killed in a drive by shooting by Raymond teh KIWIBANK car
Nick
July 16, 2010
Roughcut: …
Goldstein is promoted into bosses job, who is demoted into his old job investigating bank operations in far off land (maybe somewhere out-the-back Sth America).
Old boss having v.bad experience with the banks there – 'acme' credit card won't work, bad service etc.
Anyway Goldstein heads to Sth America to save his boss (could be Indiana Jones style) … find him near beach bar with sun going down … Goldstein pulls out ASB Visa card & buys a couple of cocktails (traditional umbrella stick thing in drink) …
A few witty lines & a toast silohetted in the falling sun over the sparking sea.
… fade out, witty line … "Goldstein!!"
(Could reverse roles. I.e. Boss still the boss who saves G oldstein. Alternatively old boss sends an ASB staffer to save Goldstein).
Hugh Mungus
July 16, 2010
Forget Goldstein – what I want to know is who won the sausages in the previous stop press promo?